Delivery_Queen’s Weblog

Archive for August 2008

My five year old has a name for each of the parks that he likes to visit. Today he wanted to go to the church park after we left church. I told him that we would go later. Later never came. He ate lunch and then he went swimming in my father’s pool. I gave him a bath and then it was time to eat again. After we left my father’s house, I decided to ask my son if he wanted to take a walk. I pulled into a big park that had a little lake. My son hasn’t made up a name for this one yet. Maybe I’ll name it the fountain park. There are several fountains and a bridge walkway over the little lake. My two boys and I sat on a bench swing overlooking the lake. It felt good to relax. I didn’t have to worry about a thing. I felt young again. Together we then walked across the bridge and saw a man catch a small mouth bass. It has been over 15 years since I have gone fishing. It brought back memories of when I would go fishing in high school with my boyfriend and my firstborn son. After  the short walk I watched my boys play on the park equipment. I watched a toddler spank my five year old on the behind. My son didn’t say anything. I thought to myself. Sometimes you may get spanked in the butt by life. But you always recover. It may sting a little and soon you forget all about it. I pushed my little one on the swing and then he pushed me when I wanted to swing. I need to learn how to be a better swinger. I want to fly up to the sky. I want to feel carefree. I want to be the woman I was meant to be. My life is a walk in the park.

Advertisements

My son’s first day of school will be on Tuesday September 2, 2008. Yes God is good. I will be able to take pictures in front of my house of my son. I plan on having my father take pictures of me and my youngest son. I am so glad that the Judge ordered my son to go to school by me. I will be escorted by my father when I take my son to school. I am not supposed to be left unsupervised with my child because of my bipolar depression. Eventually I hope that this will be lifted. With everything that I have been going through, I have made it without any difficulty or breakdown. No matter what type of stunt my ex will try to pull on me I will not break down. There is only one person that is the most important part of our lives. Whether my ex likes it or not we have a son to raise in separate households. I hope that my son will be enriched in his new school. I hope to be able to go to his room parties like any other normal human being. There have been times lately when I have felt like I have been misunderstood. People just don’t quite listen. Especially the rude Walmart pharmacist and the HIPPA issue. Could she tell that I have depression? No I don’t think so. She could probably tell that I have a problem only if my ex told her. I am not worried or concerned about that. I don’t have a visible mark on my face that says I have depression. There are millions of people that have it. My depression makes me who I am…..Just another person with thoughts, feelings and emotions. There is a saying that goes like this….So what, Who cares.

The stength that you will need will come from within. Do not ever feel that I have abandoned you. I am always here to catch you when you fall. I am here to wipe your tears away. I will comfort you only if you let me. Open your heart and soul to me. Pour out your troubles and concerns to me. I hear you calling my name. Do not ask me why do people have to treat you this way. You have allowed this to happen to you. Be strong. Put on your battle armor. I will lead your battle. You will not lose with me by your side. Just believe in my. I have great plans for you my child. I love you so…..Your heavenly father above. 

My precious little one….Have told you how much I love you lately? Have I kissed you gently while you slept. I watch over you day and night. I am your protector and your everlasting source of strength. Have I told you how proud you have made me? Have I hugged you when you were feeling down? I know your every hurt and pain. I am the healing balm that will soothe your hurting soul. Have I told you how happy you make me feel when you call out my name? I am and will always be a part of you. I love you so….Jesus

 

While taking the dog outside to do his business, I noticed two men walking up my driveway. I told them that I would be right there. I went back inside the door and then walked outside the front door to greet the men. The two men were Jehovah’s witnesses. I must have spent 25 minutes talking to them. They shared bible verses with me and talked to me. I told them one of my friends was a Jehovah’s witness. I received  alot from these two men at my door. I received a new hope and felt blessed to have met them I called them my angels. I knew I was going to be late to my lawyer’s appointment but I did invite them to come back in Oct. Sometime in Oct I expect there will be a knock at my door from two angels in disguise. When the men departed my house, I received two great big hugs from them. I made them laugh when I said 2 hugs a day keeps the Psych Doctor away.

Recently I picked up some books from the library. One of them was called The Age of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. I love flipping open a book and seeing what topic is on the page. This is what just happened to me…..On page 66 of the book it states “Forgive and forget” is not mere platitude. Many say,”Yes,I do forgive,but I will never forget.” The author further states…..Beware of the sentiment, for it leaves you subtly in the thrall of suffering. She goes on to write the following prayer:

Dear God,

Please teach me

how to forgive.

Show me the innocence in others,

and in the innocence in myself.

I surrender to You

my judgemental thoughts.

May I see beyond them

to the gentle peace

that only forgiveness brings,

Amen

Wow!!!!! I really needed to hear that. Especially with what I am going through right now with my ex husband. Divorce hurts both parties involved. My ex has moved on to a new wife. Together they work together as a team. Emotionally they reek havok in my life. I need to say that prayer for my emotional well being. I will try not to let myself get out of control and cause undue emotional suffering in my life. I can’t wait to start reading the Age of Miracles. I might just have to take it with me while I wait in my divorce attorney’s office. I would love to meet Marianne Williamson some day in person. Today I put that intention out in the universe……Anything can happen. After all I believe in miracles. Do you?

 

I am so glad for the past two weeks that I have spent with you. I am supposed to have you again on August 4. But that will not happen according to your father and stepmother. I guess you have Dentist appointments. Although I am fully capable of taking you. I will let them take you. What matters to me is your health and well being. I will call you every day and I will try to talk to you. But some how I know that my calls to you will go unanswered. But someday you will know that I have tried I will make a written journal of what I would have liked to have said to you. Always remember this….I love you forever……Mom

I  never want you to forget that I will always be your mother. No matter what anyone tells you I have and will always love you. You are my youngest son and I love you so. I want to leave you with something some day. You will be able to pick up a book that will be dedicated to you. I want you to know that some day you will come back to me.